VIDEO VIXENS, HEMORRHOIDS, & THE CROSS.

As a woman, we’re constantly being told that we’re not enough. We’re not thin enough, short enough, tall enough. Our hair isn’t long enough, straight enough, short enough, curly enough. Our nose is too big. Our lips are too thin. "My booty is too small. My boobs are shaped weird. My teeth are crooked." There are stretch marks, cellulite, acne scars, hairy eyebrows, and the list goes on and on. 

Like you, I’ve wrestled with this for so many years. Growing up, I was a “cute girl”, but not the bombshell. It always felt as though the goal post for beauty was being moved. At one time, “this look” was “in” and then I’d look up and it was “out”. Other times, it seemed like the goal post for beauty was pushed farther down the field. Just when I thought my curves were coming in, video vixens and my “full-figured” classmates got all of the attention. It was exhausting- mentally, physically and financially (hello). 

When I got to college, I took a class named, “Black women in the media” … or something like that. The class blew open the door of my mind and completely shifted the paradigms I had around beauty. I realized that my insecurities were BY DESIGN- marketing companies depended desperately on my lack of self-worth to pay their shareholders. Makeup brands NEED me to feel like my face is ugly. Clothing brands require me to think my jeans are out of season. Music artists and the entertainment industries pumped me full of objectifying imagery- so much so that I began to lack self worth. Eventually, I decided to stop caring as much. I wasn’t completely free of the societal pressures, but I decided to stick beside my body. 

Then… nine years later, I had a child. Postpartum is a doozy and not just on the body, but on the mind. For two months, I had an existential crisis and barely noticed I had a body. I waking up every 2 hours to feed Noa, concerned about her body weight, and making sure we kept her alive. I was obsessed and focused on surviving. Finally, when I looked in the mirror… I felt completely different. WHO IS THIS? My breasts were swollen with milk, my stomach was still pudgy and completely BLACK bc of some weird, hyperpigmentation effect. My hips were spread apart and… hemorrhoids. 

Over the next year, more change. My hormones caused skin irritation. My hair started to fall out in clumps…my edges were gone. I cried. I stopped breast feeding and the once swollen, tender boobs I had were deflated. I cried. My ab muscles separated and caused bulging. There was loose skin. I cried.  

"Finally, when I looked in the mirror… I felt completely different. WHO IS THIS? My breasts were swollen with milk, my stomach was still pudgy and completely BLACK bc of some weird, hyperpigmentation effect. My hips were spread apart and… hemorrhoids."

Now, almost a year from those tears… I still struggle from time to time.. You probably hoped I’d figured it all out but I haven’t.  The only thing I’ve figured out is this:

This body created life and the fruit of my labor is so beautiful, so divine and a testament to the power God placed in me. This body created lungs, toes, and a brain.  I’d do it again; so the investment of my body was worth the reward. I want to show it some respect and create a newfound intimacy.  Even if you never gave birth to a kid, you have to reframe your relationship to your body. So many of us learn to disassociate from our bodies- either from trauma, stress, or an attempt to simply survive.  Because of this disassociation (which we can talk about in our mental toolbox), we’ve lost appreciation for our temples. 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” I used to think that was just a convicting verse that commanded me not to have premarital sex LOL. It's so much more than that. Ultimately, God wants us to understand that we’re valuable to Him- so much so that His son was crucified…not just for our souls, but for our bodies too. What a gift we have.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” I used to think that was just a convicting verse that told me not to have premarital sex LOL.

In the same book, Paul says, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” If our bodies are not our own, but rather…leased from God… how do we honor and steward them? We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” by the one, true God. We’re also called his handiwork. Imagine thinking for a second that what God created wasn’t “good”? 

The fight over our self-worth and esteem isn’t a physical one, but a spiritual one. We’ve been placed in the middle of a war zone where the god of this earth (notice the lowercase “g”) is determined to distort and destroy your identity. How can we best honor these bodies that he’s given us? Inside & out.